


Keeping It Together

by TheCourtSorcerer



Series: Merlin In The Modern Era [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Cat Aithusa (Merlin), Cat Kilgharrah (Merlin), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Modern Era, Not Actually Described, Unbeta'd, just spoken of, mention of pet death, pet death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:54:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29671035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCourtSorcerer/pseuds/TheCourtSorcerer
Summary: He walked back out to Merlin, noting the same strange quiet, before it suddenly hit him right as he got back to the living space.“Hey, Merlin,” he started, glancing around the room as he walked over to him, “have you seen Kilgharrah? He wasn’t in our room like he normally is.”No sooner than the words left his mouth, a broken sob tore itself from Merlin’s throat as tears began to spill down his face.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merlin In The Modern Era [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2141385
Comments: 11
Kudos: 110





	Keeping It Together

**Author's Note:**

> Content Warning: This fic contains speech of and a main theme of pet death, the pet death is not described nor graphic, it is just speech talking about a pet having been put down. 
> 
> I just found out I am losing the cat I've had since I was four years old due to age and serious illness this week, and this is my way of coping with it. This is my way of dealing with the overwhelming grief I'm trying desperately not to feel. 
> 
> So. Um, yeah, having said that... I hope you like this.

Merlin sat on the couch of his flat’s living room, staring blankly ahead with his phone loosely held in his hands.

Beside him, Aithusa nudged his side with her furry white head repeatedly. When he didn’t start petting her immediately, the blue-eyed British Longhair meowed loudly before hopping off the couch and running off.

His world felt like it was being shifted on its axis. Of course, he _knew_ that was dramatic of him to think, but really… This was… It was… Merlin took an unsteady breath, and slowly put his phone on the coffee table in front of him, his hands shaking ever so slightly. Even a blind man could see he was barely holding it together.

When the door swung open, and Arthur entered their shared flat, Merlin didn’t even flinch. Red flags and warnings screamed at Arthur at this, for Merlin usually didn’t hesitate to berate and yell at Arthur for throwing the door open so roughly.

Merlin heard the footsteps walk over to him, but he couldn’t find the will to face his boyfriend.

Arthur dropped to his knees in front of Merlin, dressed in one of his best suits for work, having come straight home from the office. Concern flooded him at the empty look on his lover’s face, and overwhelmed him when he read the pain in his eyes. Something was seriously wrong with Merlin. Something happened when he was at work.

“Merlin…?” Arthur spoke softly, as if trying not to scare a skittish colt, and Merlin’s chest tightened. No. No… It was so hard to keep it together when he used that voice. Gods, it was so hard to keep it together _at all._

He clenched his fists tightly, pressing his nails into his palms to ground himself. Another unsteady breath. One slow blink. Merlin slowly met Arthur’s eyes, only to immediately regret it when the worry in them hit him like a freight train. This was too much. No, fuck, shit, this was—deep breath. Disconnect. Two slow blinks.

“Hey Arthur, welcome h-home,” Merlin greeted softly, silently cursing when his voice broke. Arthur’s brows furrowed in a deep frown as he analyzed his boyfriend.

If he had any doubt before, now he _knew_ something was wrong. Merlin always did this when something bad happened… He pulled himself out of the equation—he separated his emotions from himself and stuffed them deep away. He disconnected and tried to act as if he was fine. He numbed himself, played it off like nothing. This seemed worse than usual before. He was struggling worse than when he usually does this to keep it together, Arthur realized.

Arthur caught his bottom lip between his teeth and worried it anxiously. “Hey. I’m… I’m going to go set my bag in the bedroom, alright? I’ll be right back.”

Merlin only nodded, silent. He didn’t trust his voice.

The blond took a deep breath and leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to Merlin’s cheek before standing and walking to their room. As he walked across the flat and too their room, Arthur couldn’t help but notice it was unusually quiet. Frowning deeper, he stepped through the door to their room and walked to their bed, setting his work bag down on it. Taken aback by the emptiness, save for Aithusa curled up on Arthur’s pillow per usual, Arthur quickly walked back out. It was almost eerie… Something was very off about the place…

He walked back out to Merlin, noting the same strange quiet, before it suddenly hit him right as he got back to the living space.

“Hey, Merlin,” he started, glancing around the room as he walked over to him, “have you seen Kilgharrah? He wasn’t in our room like he normally is.”

No sooner than the words left his mouth, a broken sob tore itself from Merlin’s throat as tears began to spill down his face. Shocked, and his concern growing, Arthur collapsed beside Merlin on the couch and pulled him into his arms quickly.

Once the first sob left his lips, Merlin found he couldn’t keep the next, or the next, or the next from staying in. So, he just clung to Arthur like a lifeline and buried his face in his neck as sob after sob left his throat, his tears soaking Arthur’s suit. His body shook with the force of the sobs, and he could barely hear Arthur murmuring soft, sweet reassurances as he rubbed circles into his back. All the pain and heartbreak he’d been keeping at bay, hit him full force.

“Hey… Hey, it’s okay, it’s alright,” Arthur murmured as he held Merlin close, rocking them gently, his own heart shattering at the pain-filled sobs leaving his beloved. “You’re alright… I’m here, baby, I’m right here…”

Slowly, his sobs died down to shaky gasps. Merlin pulled away and wiped at his red eyes, mumbling apologies with his hoarse voice. Arthur just shook his head and kissed the brunet’s forehead softly.

“You’ve nothing to apologize for… Never be sorry for having feelings, for being human. I spent too many years doing that, and all it does is hurt,” he told Merlin in that gentle voice he saved just for situations like this. When Merlin nodded, he took a deep breath and cupped his face with his hands. “Now… Do you wanna tell me what happened?”

Arthur waited patiently as Merlin caught his breath and regained his composure so he could speak.

“Kilgharrah—” Merlin’s words were cut off with a choked sob trying to force its way out. He paused, took a shallow breath, then a deeper one, closed his watering eyes and tried again. “K-Kilgharrah is… He’s gon—he’s _gone._ ”

The last word came out broken and full of grief, and Arthur felt his heart shatter for Merlin. He knew how much that old Maine Coon meant to his boyfriend…

“He—the vet, um… The vet said—said that his, um, his kidneys were failing,” Merlin tried his hardest to keep himself together while he explained, but each word felt like walking on broken glass, “and the… the thing on his chin that I took him in for, um, the thing we thought was an infection… It was, it was actually fucking _cancer._ And he was in a lot of pain… and lived way past his, um, his lifespan already… and uh, it was, it was either put him down—” he choked up a bit at this point and had to take a moment. Arthur sat patiently, though, letting him take his time.

“It was either put him down…Or let him live maybe a year more in constant pain and suffering… And I—I couldn’t put him through another year of pain, Arthur, I couldn’t do that to him!” Tears were flowing freely down his face again now, and Arthur felt his heart ache for Merlin as he pulled the other man back into his arms in a tight embrace.

“I’m so sorry, Merlin… God, I’m so sorry,” he whispered as Merlin cried into his shoulder once more. The brunet said something, but it was too muffled by his shirt for Arthur to hear. “What was that, love, could you say it again…?”

Merlin pulled back just enough to look at Arthur, who pressed their foreheads together lightly. “I-I don’t know life without him, Arthur…” Merlin whispered, voice shattered and thick with grief, “I’ve had him since I was _four years old_. He’s been with me through _everything_ , my _whole life_. And now he’s—now he’s _gone_ and I’m never…Never going to see him again.”

If Arthur thought his heart couldn’t break anymore, those words proved him very, very wrong. “Oh, _Merlin_ ,” he murmured, letting the man bury his face back into his neck.

He’d stopped crying by now, and his grip on Arthur had loosened a little, but Arthur still rocked them gently and rubbed his back like he knew Merlin liked.

“Hey…” He said eventually, “how about we get some ice cream from the freezer and eat it in bed while we cuddle with Aithusa and look at old pictures of the four of us…? Does that sound good, love?”

A few moments passed in silence before Merlin slowly nodded. Merlin wasn’t sure what he did to deserve someone like Arthur, but he was sure as hell glad he did it…

“Alright… Alright, come on, I’ll even carry you, I know you like when I carry you, even if you’re too prideful to admit it,” Arthur teased lightly, earning a small snort of amusement from Merlin.

“You’re the one with the stupid pride, prat…” He mumbled as Arthur stood from the couch, lifting Merlin up bridal-style as he did. Merlin’s arms wound securely around Arthur’s neck and his face hid itself in his chest. “Arthur…?”

“Yes, love?” Arthur hummed, heading to the bedroom to deposit Merlin on the bed before getting their [read: Merlin’s] icecream.

Merlin hesitated a moment, before sighing softly. “Thank you…”

Arthur just smiled, “nothing to thank me for. But you’re welcome.”

“Arthur…?” Merlin asked again.

Arthur mimicked Merlin’s tone, “Merlin…?”

“Prat…” the brunet huffed softly before adding, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this fic. It was honestly cathartic to write, if I'm honest.


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